The Man I Want To Be
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” ― John Newton
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“Who am I?”
These are the words sung by Jean Valjean in Cameron Mackintosh’s celebrated musical, Les Miserables, based on the novel by Victor Hugo (1802-1885). Les Miserables, first published in 1862, spans the years between 1815 and the June rebellion at Paris in 1832, and tells the story of a man who stole a loaf of bread to feed his nephew and was sentenced to five years hard labor. When the circumstances became unbearable, he tried and failed several times to escape and was eventually paroled 19 years later. In France at the time, a man on parole would have to show his papers that told the employer that he was an ex-con and he could be hired at significantly less wages than a non-convict.
He is either the man of character or he is the common thief the Inspector thinks he is.
Through a series of events, Valjean decides to rip apart and throw away his parole papers and masquerade as an “honest” man. He becomes a respected business owner with hundreds of workers and even the mayor of the town. Through the years, a police inspector has been hunting for him and thinks he has found Jean Valjean, but it is someone who only looks similar. The Inspector lets the real Jean Valjean know that they found the man they were looking for. But now he is conflicted. Is this the opportunity he has been looking for? The other man could go to jail and he would never have to run again. But how is that being an “honest” man? How could he do this and still face himself, let alone his God whom he gave his life to years before? No, something must be done. He is either the man of character or he is the common thief the Inspector thinks he is. There is no way around it. He sings these words:
If I speak, I am condemned
If I stay silent, I am damned
I am the master of hundreds of workers
They all look to me
Can I abandon them, how would they live
If I am not free?
If I speak, I am condemned
If I stay silent, I am damned
Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to slavery?
Pretend I do not feel his agony?
This innocent who wears my face
Who goes to judgement in my place
Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope, when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
Who am I? Who am I?
I'm Jean Valjean
And so Javert, you see it's true
That man bears no more guilt than you
Who am I? 24601!
He is the man who, in prison, bore this number. In the musical, Jean Valjean confesses, but then goes on the run again. But in the book, he is arrested by Javert and put in prison. He later escapes. He is a different person. A new creation, and by virtue of that, even to his own hurt, he must be the man who he believes himself to be.
Let’s read Psalm 15
A Psalm of David.
1 Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?
2 He who walks uprightly,
And works righteousness,
And speaks the truth in his heart;
3 He who does not backbite with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;
4 In whose eyes a vile person is despised,
But he honors those who fear the Lord;
He who swears to his own hurt and does not change;
5 He who does not put out his money at usury,
Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things shall never be moved.
I wonder if Victor Hugo had this Psalm in mind when writing the character of the new man, Jean Valjean.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17, NKJV)
I must confess that this has always been a struggle for me. In some respects, I am confident; others, not so much. Am I the man I think I am? Do I have the new character or nature of Christ? Who am I? Do people see me differently than I see myself? How does God see me? Who am I?
John Newton, that famous ex-slave trader and hymn writer, once said,
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” ― John Newton
Let’s look at a very similar quote from Martin Luther King Jr., famed Civil Rights leader and Baptist preacher.
“I may not be the man I want to be; I may not be the man I ought to be; I may not be the man I could be; I may not be the man I truly can be; but praise God, I’m not the man I once was.”— Martin Luther King Jr.
I am not sure if MLK was paraphrasing John Newton or not, but the difference is how they end. Newton ends with “and by the grace of God I am what I am,” and it seems that MLK just doesn’t finish the quote for whatever reason. Because of this, it stood out to me.
No doubt, Newton was quoting 1 Corinthians 15:10:
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.” (1 Corinthians 15:10, NKJV)
Why is it important? Because it gives grace for the moment. If I really start to think about it, I can get lost in the question “Who am I?” When I ask this question, there are several factors that go through my mind. This is literally from my journal:
“Self-confrontation is extremely tough. There is the self I think I am, there is the self I actually am, and there is the self I wish I was.”
Then, of course, there is the “me” that God sees.
Self-actualization is when perceptions are honest and are closer to reality. Let me define that term the way I see it, which is similar to Maslow, but differs along the line of where the potential, character, and fulfilled life comes from. He would say it comes from who I want to be; I would say it is who God made me to be. But finding that potential is difficult. Finding who I am is also scary because I may not like the “me” I find. Actually, left to my own devices, I know that I would not like me. That is why even asking the question “Who am I?” is dangerous. It can lead us into a great depression.
Where is the balance between a person who is confident and a person who doubts and is uncertain about themselves? Perhaps it can be found in self-actualization. If we can become the person God wants us to be, then we will find fulfillment, joy, and confidence. This makes sense to me because when I am operating in my calling, I have nothing but confidence. But when I am being lazy, or when I am not doing the thing that God has called me to do, I become uncertain about life in general.
I am not a psychologist. I don’t even play one on T.V. I am not trying to give psychological help. What I am exploring is the idea of being confident in who God has made me to be. This takes me back to the Newton quote:
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” ― John Newton
I have to believe that God is doing something new. He is constantly creating me into a new creation in Christ, and the former things are passing.
“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18–19, NKJV)
This is what I have been looking for the entire time. Refreshing. Confident knowing who I am. It boils down to identity. I believe that there are so many people who today identify as one thing or another because we are living in a crisis of identity. They asked themselves “Who am I?” and it terrified them. They couldn’t find the right answer. So they attempted to put other “identities” on like changing a shirt to look in the mirror and see if it “fits.” But no matter how many they try, it just doesn’t fit. I know this for myself. My confidence has been shaken so many times, especially through the battle with cancer.
Up one minute and down the next.
Do I identify with the living or the dead?
It is truly sad not living the way you know you have been created to live. But it is a crisis to live without an identity. For some of us, it is terribly difficult to discover. Others, it seems a little simpler. Perhaps that is the journey we are all on. Instead of self-actualization, we may need to Christ-actualize. Meaning the journey is when we find who we truly are. And where Christ intersects with that, we’ll finally be fulfilled and ready to be and do what we were created to do.
χ.ε.ε.
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